Sunday, 14 October 2007
Sunday, 7 October 2007
Election update
I have now decided that there will be no general election this year, some would say that I am a big choker, and they would probably be right. I have waited so long to become Prime Minister that I simply couldn't bear to lose my throne after such a short period in power.
Initially the plan was for an early election, however blue Dave really is a charismatic chap and his performance last week really showed me up to be the bland dullard that I am. I'd even got the election propaganda team up and running especially, and I'd brought forward the NHS interim review as well.
It will be very tricky to come back from this, as it has shown me in my true colours, as the desperate cowardly bottler that I am. I have very little spine indeed and will have to try to convince the public that I am a bold man of steel over the next year or two. Hopefully they will not judge me on the evidence of New Labour's record in power, hopefully I can pull the wool over their eyes with more dishonest platitudes and gimmicks.
Initially the plan was for an early election, however blue Dave really is a charismatic chap and his performance last week really showed me up to be the bland dullard that I am. I'd even got the election propaganda team up and running especially, and I'd brought forward the NHS interim review as well.
It will be very tricky to come back from this, as it has shown me in my true colours, as the desperate cowardly bottler that I am. I have very little spine indeed and will have to try to convince the public that I am a bold man of steel over the next year or two. Hopefully they will not judge me on the evidence of New Labour's record in power, hopefully I can pull the wool over their eyes with more dishonest platitudes and gimmicks.
Wednesday, 3 October 2007
Election update
I am terribly sorry to be messing you, the public, around like this. We at the party had initially pretended that the Darzi review would actually be set up to engage with staff and members of the public, and therefore it should have been able to help decide how to best continue the project 'NHSPP' which is short for 'NHS Privatisation and Polyclinics'. The bug bit has been added on to keep the Daily Mail readers happy, we have no real intention of genuinely tackling this problem, as many of the most offensive anaerobes live in party headquarters anyway.
In fact the review is nothing more than a dishonest sham, it really pains me to admit this after all my hollow speeches insinuating that things would different from Tony's autocracy. The reason for this is that I am very thirsty for power, meaning that I simply must have more than two measly year as PM; and the only way to do this is to have an early election, as otherwise people will have too much time to realise that I am just a big fat Scottish megalomaniac.
I am therefore obliged to call for an early election, and this has meant that the NHS review by Prof Darzi appears even more of a sham than it at first appeared. We at the party have been forced to act fast by the charismatic blue Dave, who can even do speeches without hanging his tongue out of his mouth for short periods in between sentences, I really am very jealous of this skill of his.
The NHS Review has so far consisted of one focus group, sorry I meant 'citizen's jury', this was a great idea that we copied from the Chinese communist party's consultation protocols and of several meetings between ministers, myself, Prof Darzi, Boots and a few other interested corporations and a few pliant DoH chiefs. Despite our propaganda campaign against the evil GPs, we have not yet found time to meet with them or their union to discuss ways to improve the service, we are rather more interested in generating funds for the party coffers and GPs mainly vote blue, thus they can effectively be ignored for the time being.
I must once again offer my sincerest apologies, the review was intended to be a sham, but never this much of sham, it is indeed deeply embarrassing that we are having to release an interim report so early before the majority of our intricate pseudo-consultation had been fiddled. I must get the priorities right and it is essential that I, Gordon, come first, the party comes second and the public an admirably third; that's the whole EU public by the way, I couldn't possibly discriminate between you all and this new EU charter may well force me to hand them all a vote at some point in the future. Thanks for listening, I have to get back to the election control centre, we're currently working out ways of arresting blue candidates in the marginal seats by using the new anti-terrorism laws- after all, if they don't agree with our party policy, they really are a bit of threat to our national security.
Gordon.
In fact the review is nothing more than a dishonest sham, it really pains me to admit this after all my hollow speeches insinuating that things would different from Tony's autocracy. The reason for this is that I am very thirsty for power, meaning that I simply must have more than two measly year as PM; and the only way to do this is to have an early election, as otherwise people will have too much time to realise that I am just a big fat Scottish megalomaniac.
I am therefore obliged to call for an early election, and this has meant that the NHS review by Prof Darzi appears even more of a sham than it at first appeared. We at the party have been forced to act fast by the charismatic blue Dave, who can even do speeches without hanging his tongue out of his mouth for short periods in between sentences, I really am very jealous of this skill of his.
The NHS Review has so far consisted of one focus group, sorry I meant 'citizen's jury', this was a great idea that we copied from the Chinese communist party's consultation protocols and of several meetings between ministers, myself, Prof Darzi, Boots and a few other interested corporations and a few pliant DoH chiefs. Despite our propaganda campaign against the evil GPs, we have not yet found time to meet with them or their union to discuss ways to improve the service, we are rather more interested in generating funds for the party coffers and GPs mainly vote blue, thus they can effectively be ignored for the time being.
I must once again offer my sincerest apologies, the review was intended to be a sham, but never this much of sham, it is indeed deeply embarrassing that we are having to release an interim report so early before the majority of our intricate pseudo-consultation had been fiddled. I must get the priorities right and it is essential that I, Gordon, come first, the party comes second and the public an admirably third; that's the whole EU public by the way, I couldn't possibly discriminate between you all and this new EU charter may well force me to hand them all a vote at some point in the future. Thanks for listening, I have to get back to the election control centre, we're currently working out ways of arresting blue candidates in the marginal seats by using the new anti-terrorism laws- after all, if they don't agree with our party policy, they really are a bit of threat to our national security.
Gordon.
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